It's Not Easy
by crowenlove1
Summary: Starning with an extended scene from 10x02 and picking up from there. Will Cristina and Owen find their way back to each other again or is too late? Are they out of chancesand and it just can't work? can you resist something as big as true love and is it even your choice? Or is it just the desteny's way of saying- not just yet.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, So I guess we are all pretty heart broken from the SP, I know I am(Thank you very much Shonda)**

**So I just wanted to make an extanded scene of this one (That made me sob endlessly btw) Please read and review, this is currently a one shot but if you want I can make this into a story so let me know what you think :)**

**"**Just because I'm the one who said it was time, doesn't mean this is easy for me"

She entwined their fingers as she felt the tears starting to form in her eyes.

"I know"

The though of this being their last touch... last kiss, last love making to each other was just beginning to be too much, to real, to cruel. And now she was sobbing ,trying to hold back but can't.

"This is not easy for me"

"This is.."She rolled over to him and they looked at each other's faces for a second. They both had the same expression. Sad, beaten down,just looking for something to relive their pain. she curled in to his arms quickly hugging him tightly and sobbing, trying to find some comfort.

"Shhh" Seeing her like this, in this much pain felt like someone is ripping his heart out of his chest, and that on top of his pain was just too much.

He held her tightly,as she shivered in his arms, wishing he would never have to stop ,trying to find worlds that may make it better, but couldn't find any . So he just squeeze her to him tightly and Steady rocked her because hearing her crying was breaking his heart more and more every second.

After a few long minuets her breath became normal again and the sobbing stopped too and she just stayed there in his arms, curled against his chest.

She looked up at him with his sad puppy eyes looking at her and stroke his cheek "Ok"

"So this is it?" He asked

"Yeah..."

"Ok"

She gave him one last sad smile and a stroke on the cheek and got up to leave.

Owen grabbed her arm "W-Wait" She closed her eyes for a second not being able to resist him calling her

she turned to him "What?"

"I... Don't go "

"Owen"

"Dont go.. not yet... I'm not ready"

"Owen we-"

"Just a few more minutes... please Cristina,just anther second,I'm not ready"

She opened her mouth to say no but the look on his face was killing her. She never saw him this broken before, which is a pretty big thing to say considering everything they have been through since the moment they met.

So she just shook her head and went back into his arms

He hugged her tightly knowing that this will probably be the last time, breathing in the Scent of her hair for the last time , Running his hand across her back for the last time and just taking everything in... He's gonna need it

She looked up at him again as they give each other one last sad look

"5 years" he said

"Yeah"

"Thank you.. I just wanted to say those were the best years of my life,the good and the bad... No matter what happened, I don't regret them"He said as he felt tears running down from his eyes . As she looked at him crying she started crying too

"Me neither"

he looked at her crying and regretted saying those worlds "Oh I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't ment to make you cry again"

he sigh and wiped the tears from her eyes. she sigh heavily "I gotta go"

"I know"

"Ok" she whispered

She got up and got dressed and theמ bend down to him placing one last longing kiss on his lips .

They both knew this was gonna be the last kiss they will share so neither of them wanted to pull away. But after long seconds she did, looking him in the eyes

"Goodbye Owen"

"Bye"

She placed one last soft kiss on his lips and got up to leave

She opened the door as she heard his voice calling behind her "I love you "

she closed her eyes not turning around and said " I love you too" And left


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: sorry I haven't continued it untill now, I didn't know where this can go(still kind of don't) But I don't know I just wrote this. Let me know if you like it and if I should continue in your reviews :)**

She walked away. She let him go because she loved him that much. It was time,but it doesn't ment it hurt any less._  
_

She's been avoiding him. Knowing he's there and she's there but they can't... they shouldn't. She knew she can't do the selfish thing again and just because it's hard, to give up. No, she need to suck it up, for him. If she'd break again and come back to his arms which she know he wont be strong enough to stop, then it would all have been for nothing, all the pain and all the missing him,dreaming about him, looking at his empty side of the bed, wishing he would be there to hold her and tell her that it's ok and she's home after the occasional nightmare she has about the plane crush. So she can't do this again. she need to stay strong and say nothing, not do anything. because he needs to move on

She saw him in front of her. Writing on the surgical board. She didn't even noticed she was staring at him. All she could think of is how he just took his scrub cap of . Reviling his blonde strawberry hair and how much she'd like to brush her hand through it. And kiss his lips, and go home with him at the end of the day.

Someone dropped something next to her bringing her back to the real world, where she couldn't.

He turned his head naturally to where the sound was coming for. It was just some intern who dropped his chart. He turned his head quickly back to the board but some beautiful curls met his eyes for just a second. He turned it back to them seeing her sitting there looking at him. He caught her eyes staring at his for a second before she quickly shook her head, looking back down at the chart in her hands.

His face lit up for a second seeing her there but then his mind caught up and his smile fade away. He kept his eyes on her. not minding if she'd caught him staring at her . She looked tired. He saw her name on the OR bored 3 times since yesterday. Before, he could just go and tell her not to kill herself, that she need a break and offer to take a nap with her in the on call room, which most times ended with neither of them sleeping.

She could feel his eyes on her _Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up _she thought to her self. but her eyes had different desires and a second later she found herself drowning in those beautiful, ocean blue eyes. feeling so good and so bad at the same time .

_this is torture _was the thought going through both of their minds right now. the sounds around them went muffled and the world seem to be going in slow motion

His pager went up, bringing them both back to the cruel reality. He shook his head trying to get his mind back completely and then looked back up giving her a soft sad smile and walked a way.

"So for how long is this gonna go on?" she suddenly heard Meredith's voice from her right side, realizing she saw them

"W-what?"

"You now.. The staring at each other like idiots before you come running back to each other's arms"

Cristina sighed heavily turning her eye's back to the chart "We wont"

"That's what you say every time"

"Well not this time.."

"Cristina...I think-"

"No, you don't get to do this "

"No I do get to this because I can see that you are hurt. And in pain which is completely stupid because he's there. and you're there, and it's so easy! He's not dead. he's not married. he's just here and he loves you. And you love him. so I don't see what is the freaking problem . Cristina I can't see you like this because you're my person... and he's your person too. you love him. just stop being Idiots already"

"It is not easy!It's anything but freaking easy! I'm doing this BECAUSE I'm his person and I love him that much! I can't be this selfish. not again. A few month ago we promised we won't hurt each other again. And that is exactly what I'm doing. No matter how hard that is for me ,I need to just suck it up and hope that one day this wouldn't hurt this much."_  
_

"That's very mature of you Cristina Yang. you've grown up"

She didn't say anything for a few seconds and then she said "Being a grown up sucks"


	3. Chapter 3

**Well I just find what Shonda is doing completely ridicules, Owen with another woman? please. What do you think of it?**

**Please R&R and enjoy (or maybe enjoy isn't the right word because I don't know about you guys but this is torture for me. but don't worry , I am going somewhere with this)sorry this is a bit short :)**

He could hear her voice screaming. Screaming in pain, screaming in horror, screaming for him to come save her.

He looked around but he couldn't see her anywhere. everything was foggy and unclear

"Owen! Owen" He heard her pleading scream inside his head and all around him

"Cristina?! Cristina where are you?" he screamed back at her turning around again and again to the sound of her voice but seeing nothing but smoke, and the sun above . There was a beeping in his ears like he just heard a very loud noise a few minuets ago

suddenly the beeping in his ears stopped and everything became clearer. like the world suddenly focused again. He looked down. He was wearing his army uniforms and there was a gash in his lag... but it didn't hurt

"Owen!" He could hear her screaming again, clearly this time from behind him. He turn around and saw her laying behind him on the floor with ruins of a plain behind her.

"Cristina!" He ran to her. She was bleeding from everywhere. he tried to stop it but the bleeding was so heavy .

"Stay with me! stay with me Cristina do not give up!"

"Owen... I love .. you" She managed to say with the last strength she had and then he saw the life drained away from her face

"No!" He started doing CPR on her "No Cristina stay with me! No! I wont make it without you! do you hear me? you need to wake up. please!" He screamed at the lifeless body in his hands. He was screaming and shouting and crying,at her, at the world and the unbelievable amount of pain he was feeling. like someone just split him in two and took one half.. like someone just ripped his heart out and he was screaming to the atmosphere without anyone listening

He pulled her to his hands baring his head in her neck and sobbing "Please wake up. Please come back to me... Please!"

He opened his eyes quickly sitting up, breathing heavily _.It was just a nightmare It was just a nightmare_. He was shaking and he could barely breathe. He picked up his phone and dialed Cristina's number quickly. _She didn't pick up, she must be sleeping. She's just sleeping, safe in her bed, calm down_

He knew that PTSD is a condition that would probably be with him for the rest of his life. Usually he was ok, he just had a nightmare every now and then. The nightmares happened allot less when she was sleeping next to him ... Something about her present made him feel safer, but even if he does get that occasional nightmare she would talk him back to sleep and let him put his head on her chest while she would stroke his cheek or rub his back untill he falls back to sleep.

He didn't want to go back to sleep, not without her there. He wished she'd be there to tell him everything is going to be ok... but she wasn't and he knew he couldn't go to her house either, so he just spent the rest of his night staring at the ceiling, not being able so sleep without her.

.

She saw him standing there in the ER, yawing. he looked exhausted. she wondered if it was what she thought it was.

Her heart began to race when she saw him walking towards her. Big sad puppy eyes looking at her and tearing her soul apart.

There's nothing more she'd like to do now than to stroke his cheek and ask him what's wrong. But she can't. she need to let him handle this on his own... because she ended it between them... She won't always be here to help ,so he needs to find a way to overcome this on his own.

she just couldn't belive this was happening. she didn't believe they are not gonna have their 40 years together, they are not gonna have the huge life he imagined for them and she wouldn't always be there for him, and he won't be there for her.

"Cristina? can we talk?"

"I... got to go"

"No, wait..."

She felt a shiver down her spin as he grabbed her hand,The sense of missing him sim to just multiply by a 100

" You don't understand Cristina please,I really need to talk to you "

"I can't" It took every piece of strength she had, but she pulled her arm out of his hand

"But I-"

"I'm sorry" she said and walked away from him.

He followed her with his eyes until she was out of his sight hoping she would turn back and talk to him... He watched the corner for a long minute but she didn't come back, all he was left with was himself and his broken heart.


	4. Chapter 4

_You killed him, you killed my husband! and now my kids are going to grow up without a father because of you! It's all your fault. _

That woman's voice was playing over and over again in Cristina's head as she drank another shot of tequila. She knew she's probably drinking too much. She also knew that woman was right. She killed that man because she's human, it was a human mistake, but Cristina couldn't stop beating her self up for it. She got distracted for one second, just a single second, and that second killed that man. That thought replayed in Cristina's mind over and over again

She asked for another shot hoping it will muffle the sounds and the non stopping thoughts that were running through her head

"Cristina, don't you think you had enough?"

"No Jo, I don't think I had enough .Today I killed a man, so it's drink untill you forget in night, got it?"

He nodded his head and poured her another drink.

A few drinks later she was starting to forget it and that woman's voice began to disappear slowly from her head. But some other thoughts found it's way up to her mind. Thoughts about Owen. Lately she's been burying herself with work , shutting herself out from any relationships that may distract her from her career, . She didn't mind at first Because surgery is what she was ment to do, but now, sitting in that bar alone, after she failed herself ,she had no one to be there for her and comfort her. Sure, she could find someone- an affair, even a relationship, but she didn't want just some relationship, She wanted Owen. Owen and no one else. Because Owen was the one she was ment to love.

No one could have understood her like he did, ever. So she saw no point in even trying.

She thought of some time. A long time ago, when Owen and her were completely happy. happily married, Before any of it ever happened. A flash of warmth flashed Through her chest as she remembered those times, Followed by a big wave of sadness as her drunken mind caught up with her thoughts.

"Another one Jo"

"No, no. Cristina you had enough. do you want me to call you a cab?"

"No no can you... can you call Owen and tell him to come pick me up please?"

"Cristina I don't think that's such a good idea... you broke up remember?"

"Just do it Jo"

"Alright" He took her phone and dialed Owen

Owen was sitting in the conference room just filling up some exhausting paperwork when his phone started ringing. His face lit up as he saw Cristina's number. He thought that maybe she finally wants to talk... or maybe it's something else... Nevermind, as long as she's finally made some contact with him he is happy. They use to talk. everyday, about everything. He could tell her anything and she could tell him anything. That's one of the things he missed most about them. He used to be so proud of her as she told him with a spark in her eyes about how exiting her day was and how she succeeded to perform some very cool surgery. But now he didn't have anyone to talk to and that was one of the hardest thing about being apart from her.

He quickly answered the phone, fearing she would change her mind and hang up "Cristina?"

"Umm no Owen it's Jo"

"Jo? What's going on? Is Cristina ok?"

Jo looked at the half fainted , very drunk woman in front of him "It depends on how you define ok..."

"What? Did something happened to her ?" He was worried about you. He was always the worrying type when it came to her. It started after the shooting,not to mention the worst 4 days of his life while she was in the woods and he didn't knew if she was ok, or even alive. There was just something about her that connected her to his heart, that if anything ever happens to her , he doesn't think he could live anymore. Like it's bigger then anyone of them can understand. Like she was his soul mate. connected to him, that it felt like torture anytime they were apart

"No, No nothing like that... She's just drunk , Very drunk. and she's asking for you to come pick her up... Is that ok?"

"Oh yes of course, I'll be right there. Keep an eye on her until I get there Jo"

"Sure"

He quickly put on his jacket and rushed to Jo's, Fearing that maybe he'll be too late and she'd already catch a cab home and get hurt or anything. He entered the bar seeing her there, her face laying on the bar. He walked to her and placed his hand softly on her back rubbing it gently "Cristina?"

She heard his voice calling her and she was so happy he's here to make it better "Owen!" She shouted and sat up quickly to see if he's really here.

he looked at her drunken happy face and smiled. She quickly entered his embrace still sitting as he stood next to her "You came"

"Of course I did" He said and wrapped his arms around her .

She clung to his waist as he kissed the top of her head. her soft curls brushed against his chin making him not belive he made it this long without them.

"So what was it?"

"What?"she looked up at him confusedly

"The thing that made you drink this much"

"Oh that... I killed a man today in the OR because I messed up a stitch on his heart. It just ripped in two"

"You can't know that was your fault, maybe it was all just too much for his heart"

"Yeah well... either way, the man died on my table and whatever it was my fault or not , which it was, His 3 kids are going to grow up without a father. Just like me"

"It was a human mistake. Anyone of us could have made it" He was trying so hard to make her feel better and trying to find a way to convince her not to beat herself up this bad.

She looked deeply into his kind blue eyes that were already making her feeling better, and then burst out laughing. That was obviously her drunken side now

"You're so handsome! I wonder how anyone didn't stole you away from me yet" He laughed at her inappropriate comment

"I missed drunken you" She looked at him smiling softly "I missed you too"

suddenly the sounds around them went muffled as they stared into each others eyes. It was like looking at your other half, like looking at the mirror. They both wanted the same thing. so bad, Just to be one again with their soul

If he just kiss her it will all be better. All his pain will go away and all the torture of being away from her will be gone. But he couldn't do it. He's conscious wouldn't let him. She's drunk and she asked him to come take her home. He couldn't take advantage of that.

"Come on" He broke the silence and the eye contact between them. "I'll take you home"

She sight knowing he didn't do it. He was stronger than she thought "Ok"

"Night Jo"

He tried to hold her up and support her but she was too drunk to stand up so he just picked her up to his arms lightly and carried her to his truck. He pulled in front of hers and Alex's house and carried her to her bed. He covered her and kissed the top of her head, missing her so bad that it actually physically hurt. It took every piece of self-control he had but he didn't went into bed with her, he didn't kissed her and held her close to him, Even tho that's what he would like to do now more than anything.

"Good night" He said and got up to leave

"wait" She grabbed his arm because she didn't wanted him to go. She didn't wanted to spend another night alone in her empty bed again.

"Please stay"

"Cristina I-"

"Just untill I fall asleep... Please"

He couldn't resist those eyes looking at him like this and before he could think about it his mouth opened up and said "Ok... But just untill you fall asleep"

She smiled as he climbed into the bed next to her . wishing he could sleep next to her every night like he did before.

He sat against the headboard placing her head softly on his hip.

He smiled weakly as she looked at him satisfied that he stayed even if he does leaves once she'll fall asleep.

He stroke the side of her face and whispered "Close your eyes... Try to fall asleep"

"Kiss me" his heart skipped a beat at her request

"No..."

"Kiss me" she started to pull her face closer to his

"Cristina I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because if I'd kiss you I wouldn't be able to stop"

"I don't care"

"Cristina you're drunk"

Their lips were inches away from each other . It was so cruel to stand this ridiculous separation from each other's lips for another second

"Kiss me" She whispered again

He tried,he tried so hard to resist her because she was drunk and he could never take advantage of her but he wasn't strong enough. It was like it's impossible for the two of them to be apart from each other and a second later his lips crashed into hers. Both of them feeling the best feeling they felt in months, feeling like they're finally home again.


	5. Chapter 5

He knew. The second her soft lips finally touched his again he knew. This was ment to happen, there's no other way, while both of them just straggled to find the solution so badly it was already written. The universe just planed it for them without any of them making the choise. Some things are just ment to be.

His pain was still real , still there at first, but with every kiss from her his pain was healing and minuets later it was completely gone.

She pulled him closer to her , kissing him again and again not realizing the full meaning of it because of the few many drinks that were still clouding her judgment . The only thing she did knew is that this was right and felt like the most amazing thing anyone can ever feel- Love, pure true love ,protecting her from any other bad feeling she may feel.

Their lips and tongues moved in perfect synchronizing expressing what they both heard from each other that they didn't need to say:_ I love you, I'll never stop loving you, this is me, all of me and it's yours and I'm so sorry for ever hurting you._

She felt his lips disconnecting from hers and opened her eyes to see why he'd left them.

"You're beautiful" He left her lips for a second to look at her and to see if this is actually happening.

She sighed in relive, he was still there, burying himself in her and making up for all the lost time which she saw absolutely no reason for it to exist now.

She pulled him back to her kissing him and murmured "I love you" Into his lips.

He smiled against them, not being able so stop and not being able to belive how she ever though he could make it without her

As the waves of pleasure struck them both over and over that night they realized no one else will ever be able to make them feel something even close to this . They were connected with some unbreakable bond that the universe tied together.

He spent the rest of the night staring at her sleeping in his arms smiling softly and inhaling the intoxicating smell of her hair . At early morning hours he finally closed his eyes,placing his head in the crack of her neck and fell asleep.

.

There's this moment in the morning, between sleeping and awaking, when the ray of sunlight strike your face and you feel like there's nothing wrong with the world . She fluttered open her eyes feeling his strong arms wrapped around her, protected,safe, and loved.

A second later her eyes open widely trying to figure out how the hell she got there _what did I do what did I do what did I do_. The last thing she could remember was starting to drink at Jo's .She was with her back to him but she knew it was him. She turned around gently not wanting him to wake up because he looked so peaceful but also because she didn't knew what the hell this means and she needed some time to think without his big blue eyes staring into her heart, and his words and arms and lips convincing her to never leave him.

She moved her hand up to touch his beautiful blonde hair that she'd missed so much when suddenly last night's events flashed in her mind and she remembered how they end up here... again. A big wave of mixed feeling flashed through her chest- Feelings of love, healing , pleasure, but most of all guilt.

She did it again ,the selfish thing. She really though that if she keep this up for a few more months. maybe even a year he will be able to move on and finally gets his dream of having kids. But she ruined it again. She exited his arms carefully not to wake him and left to the hospital. She had some thinking to do before she could look him in the eyes again.

He woke up alone in her bed, seeing she was already gone wishing so badly it's not what he think he is-that she left him again - and she just had to go to the hospital for some surgery .

.

He paged her again and again but she didn't respond. He went all around the hospital to search for her but she was no where to be found. _wait_ he knew where she was.

She was standing there in the vent, closing her eyes . He smiled softly and stepped closer to her

"There you are, I should have though of this sooner" She opened her eyes and he could see the tears in them _she'd already made up her mind. _He knew it, He knew her, but he chose to deny it.

"I love you " He said thinking it would have any effect on her decision. But it didn't. She knew he loves her- that was never the problem, or maybe actually it was. If after she aborted his child and all the fighting they would have just stop loving each other, that would have made it all so much easier .Sure it will hurt but at least it would be clear, and it wouldn't hurt this much. But lack of love between them was never the problem for even a second.

"Do you want to go to Jo's, have a drink and talk or something?"

"No, no drinks" she said because that's what got them into this mess in the first place

He laughed a bit "Right, no drinks would be better ... Do you wanna.. lets just go home ok?"

"No Owen" She was choking back the tears so hard

"Oh, are you still on call?"

"No... I should go" She said looking down and starting to leave

"No!" he said grabbing her hand " Cristina we need to talk"

"There's nothing to talk about, we just slipped because I was drunk and I'm so sorry for that but nothing changed"

"What? No! Cristina I deserve more than that, I deserve to talk"

"Fine then talk"

He nodded and let go of his grab on her hand "Last night proved me something that I'd already knew. We belong together Cristina, there is no way this world will be this cruel to have us meet each other, feel this kind of love and then just set us apart" He stepped closer to her and pushed his forehead against hers"You're the love of my life... you're everything and I'm not letting you toss me aside again Cristina I am putting my foot down ,you are not leaving me again"

She moved her hand up to his chest and looked into his eyes "I'm so sorry, but I can't...I-I need to focus on my career now , it's just more important to me then all of this, all this drama . It's keeping me away from my work and it's distracting me and I can't have them both anymore. So I've made my choice and I'm sorry" She was lying ,she tried to let time do his thing but it didn't and he wasn't moving on. she knew the only way he would be able to move on is if she'd hurt him this much.

"How can you say that, you know-you know I've always spurted your career" He looked at her desperately " I want to be around 40 years from now"

"What?"

He continued "I can't breathe without you. I will never love another woman-"

"What are you-"

"I love you so much that it hurts, I'm not going anywhere Cristina I'm not going anywhere without you "

"What about all of those?" She shouted at him with tears starting to fall on her cheeks

"Yes exactly what about those Cristina what about all those things we promised each other? You can't just break up with me , you can't just sleep with me and then pretend like it never happened, like the past years never happened , like we never happened .Cristina please... I'm begging you"

She suddenly kissed his lips . She just knew she needed to do it one last time, this time for real. She pulled away looking at his sad exhausted eyes begging her to stay "I'm sorry. I can't"

"It's not fair" He whispered

"Yeah I know... Life isn't fair" She said and left him there in the vent. There used to be so much hope in this place,it's where they kissed, where she told him she loves him for the first time and that she couldn't breath without him, but now he was hopeless and wished it would have never exited

They both thought it was completely over this time, but that was just the universe way of telling them **_not just yet._**


	6. Chapter 6

**A\N: Thank you so much for your reviews , I enjoy reading them so please keep telling me what you think and hold on just for a little longer my lovely readers,It's coming... (Sorry this is a bit short)**

It's been a month since that night and his strong desire to be with her was all gone now, replaced with anger. Not just anger but rage and disbelieve that she chose her career over him after he had given her everything- his heart, his love and he was even willing to give up his dreams for her. He was furious but unfortunately for him his love for her didn't grew any smaller and he couldn't get her out of his mind. His nightmares were coming back too. He woke up almost every night now shaking or screaming and it took him longer and longer every night to realize it was just a dream but he was too proud to call her and ask for help. He spent most of his nights in the ER , tired and cranky , bursting out on everyone and making himself an impression of the angry man no doctor wants to be friends with.

She could tell something was going on with him but she expected it. She broke his heart in the most cruel way she could have for him so she tought he was just adjusting and venting a little so she decided to give him his time and not get involved. She got paged to the ER after a long exhausting shift and found him there in the trauma room looking at a x-ray .She cleared her through awkwardly walking to him.

"Someone paged a cardiac consult?"

He turned around seeing it's her feeling a pinch of love in his heart for a second which she could see in his eyes for a split second before he quickly broke their eye contact and looked back at the x-ray

"Yes , 23 years old woman, She was crushed by a car and she has an internal bleeding " He said with a cold professional voice that made her want to bury herself in the ground.

"Yeah we definitely have to go in and fix the damage but I'm gonna page Russel for you because I need to sleep I've been awake for the last 36 hours I'm exhausted"

"No you can do it doctor Yang, You're all about your career right? There is nothing or no one more important than your career and yourself is it?" He didn't knew where that came from . Maybe it was his weeks of suppressed anger and just wanting her to feel what he felt for once.

"That is not fair" She looked at him with complete shock

"Yeah well life isn't fair is it?"

She looked at this cold cruel man who used to be her husband that loved her and made her feel better whenever she was hurt was now using her own words to hurt her like only he could. She guessed she brough it on herself.

He could see the pain written all over her face as she shook her head ,saying "Screw you "and left but it didn't feel good. Hurting her felt like hurting himself. Like he got this strong sharp pain in his heart that won't go away. So he ran after her to apologize and tell her hurting her will never feel good no matter what.

He found her in the on call room crying into her hands. They shared so many memories in this room. It's where they first made love after their whole Victorian romance . It's where she told him she couldn't sleep without him, where they both heard so many 'I love you's during their passionate love-making or after their hot sweaty sex.

She quickly wiped her tears as she saw him standing there looking at her with so much pain in his eyes and regret on his face. He was never very good at hiding his feelings from her . She just could see it in his eyes every time whether it was love, desire anger or fear.

"Cristina I'm- I wanted to apologize I didn't ment-"

"It's fine" She cut him off because they can't get into this again, all it does is cost them both pain " I guess I deserved it"

"No no Cristina you don't , it's me I've been-"

Her pager went up just then

"It's the ER I gotta go"

"No you stay and sleep I'll take care of it"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah"

"Thank you Owen"

"Sure" They looked deeply into each other's eyes again after a month having all of their suppressed feeling flouting up to their chest

He left to the ER even though he was exhausted himself and all he wanted to do was to go sleep next to her and tell her he can't sleep without her again.

.

In the next few weeks things have got worse. He didn't even bother to go to sleep now but after 3 days of not sleeping he had to close his eyes jus to wake up screaming for help .He also started having triggers that made him paranoid and have visions during the day too now . He hide it well from her and from everyone thinking he's still in control and wanting to prove to her he can take care of himself so that she would be proud of him and see that she didn't broke up with him for nothing and once he'll gather himself back together again she'll give him another chance. His PTSD was obviously back again and she could only wish she'd known** before it was too late.**


	7. Chapter 7

Cristina Yang knew fear, whether it was small fears such as whether she'll past her intern exam or will she succeed to perform a hard surgery -wich she just now could see the minority of them, or whether it was big fears- will Meredith survive the drowning, the bomb. Will a crazy man put a bullet through her head , will she survive the rest of her life without Owen? But today was the day she will feel more fear than she ever felt before.

Owen

He still though he was in control, getting through the days and nights. But the second his hand touched that doctor's neck he knew he's out of control. Lucky for him he was quite a big man who pushed him away after a few seconds of getting over the initial shock and he agreed to keep quiet as long as he is going to get help.

He called her again and again but she didn't picked up. It just went to voice mail every time causing him to skip a breath every time he though she answered but it was just the automatic voicemail "Cristina Yang Leave a message"

"Cristina please pick up. Please I need your help. I've done something... And I- I just need to talk to you , Please call me back"

He's been awake for 4 straight days now not wanting to sink into the horrifying realty of his nightmares again. He closed his eyes strongly trying to escape from it all the 1000 thoughts going through his mind over and over wich he couldn't stop . It made him feel he was going crazy. It bounced between the war and her and the war again, what he almost did to that man, what he did to her, what he needs to do, how much he still misses her and many more things that were making him drown in his own head.

_You need to stop you need to stop _he got up quickly and left to go home. Maybe if he could just get some sleep he would feel better. The quiet in the woods made him feel even crazier and he couldn't get out of his head . After the failed attempt of sleeping ended in a horror nightmare wich made him feel even more confused he was walking back and fort in front of the trailer, talking to himself when suddenly it came to him. He knew what he had to do.

Cristina

She heard her phone ringing and took it out of her pocket seeing his name. She wished she could pick and talk to him so badly but she knew if she'll just pick up and talk to him for a second it will not end there and if she touched his hand or if they'll start talking again they'll end up in the same place . She looked back up at Meredith who was waiting for her to answer her question. she almost forgot they were in the middle of a conversation "Ah- Its Owen. sorry what did you say?"

"Cristina why don't you just answer him? I can see you want to , it's written all over your face"

"No" She turned her phone off and put it in her back in her pocket "Of course I want to, It's all I want actually. Stop doing that, be on my side!"

"I am on your side. I Support what ever you do"

"Good. So you were saying?"

"Oh I'm just heading home, do you want to come over for dinner?"

"No I think I'm just gonna go get some sleep"

"Ok, good night"

"Night mer"

Owen

He just wanted the sounds in his head to stop. The sounds were dark and wrong thoughts and he couldn't get out .  
she didn't love him. If she would love him she would come and take care of him or at least helped but she ignored him and she didn't saw him like she used to. if she would have loved him she wouldn't have chosen her career over him and she would not leave him like that when he was in such a bad place. He had always been there for her when she needed him no matter what- after the shooting, after the plane crash, every time she ever needed him he was there, no matter what was going on between them or to them they were there for each other -wich now made it hundred times more hurting.

He had to do it, but he couldn't just do it, he had to say goodbye and explain. No matter how disappointed he was that she wasn't there when he needed her so much he still owed her at least that. he called her again but she didn't picked up so he decided to write her a letter:

_Dear Cristina , First of all I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that I love you. Even if you don't love me and don't want anything to do with me I love you so much and will never stop. I'm so sorry I'm doing this but I just can't go on like this. the voices in my head never stops and I miss you so bad ,I can't handle it anymore. Feeling your love was the best feeling I ever felt and after losing it I just feel empty and incomplete. I hope you can find a place to forgive me and move on. I love you. I love you so much but without you I just see no point in keep leaving this life anymore. I love you, yours Owen_

He felt the tears running down his cheeks as he wrote his last goodbye to the woman he loves so much remembering the last time they were together. Remembering how she used to stroke his cheek and how her soft lips felt on his when he kissed her and just how amazing she used to make him feel. he carefully fold the letter and put in an envelope in a noticeable place for her to find and went outside, picking up the gun and pointing it to his head.

Meredith

After her talk with Cristina she headed home with her kids. Meredith was just playing with Zola and her toys in the dream house with the big windows wich was overlooking on all of the breath-taking views

"Do you want to play with this toy?" She asked her daughter offering it to her

"Doll!"

"Where is your doll Zozo?"

The little girl made a confused face and looked around. Meredith remembered she just played with it this morning outside "Oh wait I'm going to get your doll from outside stay here ok?"

She went outside and found the doll on the slide when she suddenly saw Owen walking back and fort in the valley next to the trailer. She looked at him for a second when she suddenly noticed a gun in his hand. Her eyes open widely as she froze to her spot. a second later she ran inside and grabbed Zola, taking her to her room "You need to stay here for momy ok? don't move" She closed the door and grabbed her phone dialing Cristina quickly. It went straight to voice mail and she remembered she turned her phone off today when Owen called her. She had to stop him. She knew if he killed himself Cristina will be destroyed , she will never recover from this and she will blame herself. She dialed her home number and heard a sleepy voice answering "Hello"

"Cristina! Cristina you need to come here right now"

"What? is everything ok? did something happened to the kids?"

"No the kids are fine it's Owen"

"What? Meredith we talked about this Owen and I are-"

"No Cristina you don't understand... He has a gun and I think he's gonna do something really stupid , you need to come stop him!"

"What?! I'm on my way. Go stop him! Meredith please you need to stop him. I cant... If he-"

"I know. Don't worry I'm gonna stop him just get over here fast"

"Ok"

She hung up and ran outside to him. he looked broken, tears in his eyes and a gun pointed to his temple.

"Owen! What the hell do you think you're doing? give me the gun right now!"

"Meredith. What are you doing here? Go back into the house"

He still point the gun to his head looking at her not minding if she knows. everyone will now soon anyway and it wont matter.

"Make sure Cristina gets my letter ok? And-and tell her I love her..."

"Owen don't do this. don't do this to her, to all of us"

"I'm going crazy Meredith! I'm going out of my mind, I can't keep doing this!" He bursd out

"Then we'll help you. We'll get you the help you need"

"What for Meredith? I have nothing left to live for I have to joy no happiness no love. She doesn't love me anymore"

"Of course she does! She never stopped loving you for a second !Owen this will destroy her .She will never recover"

"No no if she still loves me she wouldn't have left me like this! She doesn't care about me. I tried calling her and talking to her and I asked for help but she just ignored me"

His voice was shaky and desperate and his tears didn't stop running

"No that's not true Owen. I've called her and she's on her way here right now"

"No you're laying "

"I'm not! Owen give me the gun! "

"Goodbye Meredith" He closed his eyes and got ready to pull the trigger. His life flashed before his eye. His childhood,the before and after of the war. The life they shared together and how it all ends now. bits of memories good and bad jumping to his mind. Her soft hand in his one night on their way home, a small silly argument about the dishes. Pain. love .The end.

Cristina

Her heart raced like it never did before as Meredith told her Owen is going to... She couldn't even complete that thought . If he dies she wont be herself ever again. she will be empty and pointless and life will be so vain. It just trucked her now- He's her other half. No he's her everything. He was the love of her life he was perfect for her even with all of their flaws because they were ment for each other and right now-thinking she might lose him forever made her feel so much fear and pain it felt like her heart is being shattered into a million pieces .How could she ever think she could live this life without him? that they'll move on ? and that anything- no matter what- Could separate between them. even if they did had different dreams it didn't matter. being together was their destiny.

As she drove to the woods not stopping at red lights and almost crushing her car 3 times she thought -He tried calling her. He tried to ask for help and she didn't even saw him. If he do this she will **never** be able to forgive herself . She has to save him , he was her soul mate, her love, her one and only. If he just die and leave her all alone in this world life will be so meaningless and cruel. She can not let that happened.

she Wished so badly she wasn't too late. She finally got there after the longest 10 minutes of her life, one though just kept repeating in her head _ please be alive please be alive please be alive._


	8. Chapter 8

"Owen!"

"What? D-Dan?" Owen looked around him seeing nothing but white infinity light. "Am I dead?"

The tall sturdy black man who used to be his commander and friend back in Iraq who died in his arms just looked at him kindly, saying nothing.

"I am dead am I?"

"Well you did point a gun to your head"

"Oh" He looked around hearing nothing but silence "It's nice here, quiet finally"

"Is it? Is that why you wanted to blow your brain out? You just gave up your entire life for some quiet? You can fly to Thailand or something for that you now ,you don't have to-"

"It's a little more complicated than that "

"I'm sure so"

"I went crazy Dan , It's not me it's not who I am I just..."

The man nodded his head and seem to be drown in a thought for a second before he shook his head and looked back into Owen's eyes

"And what about her?"

He frowned feeling sharp pain of guilt in his chest "I don't know..."

"You don't know"

"I-"

"You are just going to leave her alone in this world? Let her feel what you felt as some kind of what? Revenge?"

"No no no It's not like that I would never hurt her again I promised her that I'll never-"

"And what do you think this will do to her?"

"No she'll Understand ,I-I think eventually she'll understand , Yes, yes she has Meredith and she'll move on and she'll be ok. Cristina- she's one of the strongest person I know, she always was the strong one,yes I think she'll be ok "

"Lying to yourself may make you feel better but it doesn't make it true. You now she loves you, and you know perfectly clear she will blame herself every day for the rest of her life"

"Well what am I supposed to do?" He raised his voice almost feeling guilty for ruining the silence even though he saw no one else there but the two of them. "I'm dead, it's done, are you trying to get me to feel guilty forever? "

"You're not dead Owen"

"I'm- I'm not?"

"No Owen you're not dead. You're just in your head. Your finger is still on the trigger, She's still there on her way to stop you. the pain is still there too. This is not death, god eternity here will probably drive me crazy " The two men smiled at each other, both thinking about their time together back on earth " This is limbo Owen, It's where you make a choice"

"I have a choice?"

"Of course you do" He placed his hand on his shoulder and stopped to give him a minuet to process "Sorry if I'm rushing but we don't have a lot of time Owen, You need to make a choice. But you need to think carefully. A life time of peace and silence without ever seeing her again or holding her, kissing her and getting old with her. Or you can come back to her. It's gonna be hard. maybe one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do and you will have to work hard and suffer but eventually you will get over this Owen"

The thought of never seeing her again made him feel strong pressure on his chest that he couldn't get off... But then again he didn't wanted to suffer, and he liked the slinced there allot "I don't know" He said almost whispering looking down.

"Let me help you. Well you already saw what it's like up here, but let me show you what it would look like down there if you do this"

Suddenly the endless wight around them disappeared- replaced by the set of the woods. He saw cristina standing in front of him, walking towards him with tears in her eyes "Owen!"

"Cristina" She did came. She did love him .He opened his arms to welcome her into his embrace as she ran to him but the second he was about to touch her she ran through him . He turned around, not understanding what just happened and then he saw his own lifeless , blood stained body laying on the ground . Meredith was standing there, her hands covering her open month as Cristina ran to him,and crushed down on his chest, bawling loudly . She screamed ,not being able to take this pain." Owen! How could you do this! how could you." She cried into his chest and pound on it desperately"

"Cristina! Cristina I'm here!"

"She can't hear you Owen. you're not here"

"Stop it stop it!" Her screams were tearing his heart apart. He shut his eyes and covered his ears falling to his knees not being able to see her in this much pain.

Suddenly they were back at the wight silence. he got back up and finally breathed again.

"Will you really be able to live- sorry bad choice of words. To exited even here in the after life knowing you did this to her?

he frowned and shook his head "No"

"It's time to make a choice Owen"

"Ok"

"Close your eyes and make a choice."

He looked at him for a second and pulled him for a short hug. "Nice seeing you again Dan. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the-"

"It's ok Owen. I've made my peace. Go now quickly. Before it's too late."

He closed his eyes and when he opened them he was back at the woods, It's only been a few seconds since he left to this limbo in the real world. The silence stopped and all the voices and all of the real world and his problems came back feeling like a slap on the cheek.

"Owen!" He suddenly heard her voice and it all became clearer. he felt like a huge ston is being dropped from his chest. She's finally here. He knew he was all messed up and damaged but now, seeing her here, he felt hope for the first time in a long time.

She walked slowly to him with a terrified look on her face, as if she was trying not to scare him off.

"Owen give me the gun right now" He almost forgot he had a gun pointed to his head. He slowly brought it down to her hand and she placed it on the ground.

they both still head tears in their eyes from the few minutes happened before.

They stared into each other's eyes for half a second before they both quickly embraced each other more tightly then they ever did before.

He cried into her neck saying "You came" with a shaky voice

"Of course I did" She too was crying but now her sad tears turned into happy ones, she got there in time, she stop him and it's not too late for them. It's never going to be too late for them. They'll always find their way back to each other because some things are just ment to be.

He buried his face in her curls that he missed so much "Cristina..."

"Shhh, I'm here. I'm here Owen and every thing is going to be ok. I promise. It's ok"

She pulled away just enough to look at his face shaking her head and pulling him to her mouth, Kissing him and trying to unsure him that she's here and she won't ever not be. Trying to show him how much she loves him and that she could never live without him. But then she felt rage floating up to her chest about what he almost did. she pushed him away and started yelling

"How could you do this? How could you even think about doing this?! How dare you just give up on your life?How could you be so selfish and do this to me, to your mother?!" She was screaming and pounding on his chest with her fists, still in shock that she had almost lost him.

He grabbed her hands pulling her back into his embrace, mumbling "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"

She kept yelling and tried to free herself from his hold on her "How could you think I could live in this world without you? How dare you leave me all alone in this world You selfish selfish son of a bitch. "She finally broke down in his arms and sobbed but he held her up not letting her fall "I'm sorry"

They both knew they will never give up on each other again. They had allot to work out but it didn't matter, they were willing to fight as hard as it takes to get their happy ending. So what will make this time work when they failed all the other times? This time they won't fight each other,but for each other and with each other.

Once you meet the love of your life you understand why it never worked with anyone eles. They were always connected .Even before they even knew each other. The faith just planed them for each other . The universe also planted some other suspires for them to come but that will happen later. For now they were just happy they got each other back.


End file.
